Apology to the Community

I screwed up today, and have decided to pull down my most recent YouTube video. Let's learn from and build on my mistakes.

Dear Community Members:

This morning I uploaded a video in which I discussed a traumatic incident in which I was suspected of child abuse.

In it, I explained that I had lost my temper, and spanked my child while in a stall in a public change-room. Another patron heard me disciplining my child, and threatened to kill me. I confronted him, and we argued. Other patrons broke up the argument, and the staff came to investigate. I co-operated fully with them, and volunteered my contact information, and allowed them to inspect my child. I assumed they would call the police and child protective services, as is protocol. When I was about to leave a tall muscular life-guard blocked my exit, and asked me to stay. I assumed they had called the police, and so I decided to wait.

From then on, I endured a humiliation ritual. The life-guards blocked off the change-room so I could not exit. They also ensured members of the public could not enter as well. In effect, it became a holding cell. My four-year old child started to cry, and I was too shell-shocked to know what to do. Eventually, after well over an hour of waiting for the police, I asked their supervisor why I was being detained. They replied that they merely asked me to stay, and I can leave if I want. I did so. The police came to my residence later that evening, checked up on my child, and told me I had committed no crime.

My child had a fever, could not eat, and had recurring nightmares for the next two days. I had felt intimidated and humiliated, and was angry that my child had been traumatized. I wanted to file a civil lawsuit because I believed I was a victim of Asian discrimination as well as an over-reaching dehumanizing bureaucracy.

After I posted the video, the community became divided. In this post, I want to answer three questions, and offer the community an apology for causing such friction and division. The three questions I want to look at are:

1. Why did I hit my child?

2. Why did I take down my video?

3. What are my next steps?

***

In a previous life, I was a well-respected educator, and I thought I knew everything about education and parenting. I knew what everyone knew and believed: Under no circumstances should you hit a child. I believed in this fervently because I myself was a victim of child abuse. My father – a poor immigrant in Toronto who experienced racism everyday – took out his anger and bitterness on me, and that left me angry and bitter. I promised myself I would never hit any of my three children, and that’s a promise I kept until my arrival in Toronto this summer.

My middle child (who is four years old) had always been naughty, but I always believed it was because he found kindergarten boring. I was confident that once he was in Toronto and he could play everyday in the park or the pool he would behave himself. I was wrong.

Originally, my wife (who is a Chinese national) was supposed to come with us to Toronto to see my parents. But she was denied a tourist visa, and had to stay in Beijing with my daughter. For two months I had to look after my two sons by myself, which I had never done before. I was the bread-winner in the family, and my wife was the home-maker. Yes, I did not really know how to handle my two energetic boys, but at least I had my parents to help out.

My parents are elderly, and have traditional values. They refused to let my son play with the garden-hose because it was a waste of water. They refused to let him slide down the stairs, and they refused to let him draw on the walls. In response, my son slapped my father, who is in his eighties and who has Parkinson’s. To avoid conflict I had to take my two boys outside every day, from morning until evening, no matter if it rained or if it was sweltering hot outside. My boys could not speak English and did not know the “rules.” We kept on getting shouted at by by-standers, and my parents complained everyday about how rowdy and rude my middle son was. Every day, he demanded I let him eat ice cream and candy, and allow him to play video games and watch cartoons. He has eyesight issues caused by these bad habits, and I refused to let him do any of these things. Denied these treats he continued to act out.

Eventually, I decided to spank my middle son, and I found that physical punishment did work to calm him. I also discovered that he had high pain tolerance, and he enjoyed testing me. Over time I found myself hitting him now and then to get him to behave. And that’s what caused the incident at the public pool.

Before as a childless educator I had neat and tidy theories of parenting. After becoming a parent myself I discovered none of these theories worked in practice. My wife and I discovered parenting to be taxing and complicated. Each of our children were different, and they were constantly changing as well as competing against each other.

We were sure about one thing: We wanted our children to be free and independent. That caused us to come into conflict with Chinese parenting norms. I thought that once I took my boys to Canada our values would be welcomed. I was wrong. Having found myself with trying to balance our child’s need to be independent (such as letting them ride their bike around by themselves) and Canadian society’s demands that children be kept on a tight leash (as if they were pets) I found myself under a lot of stress.

I am not making excuses for hitting my child in public. I knew it was wrong, and that’s why I co-operated with the police investigation. I try my best for my children, but I also know my limitations as a parent. I can be very controlling and demanding, which puts a lot of stress on my wife and our children. I am ambitious and hard-working, which may make my children feel inferior and inadequate.

Here’s my main takeaway: As an educator I felt it was necessary and easy to judge parents. As a parent I appreciate that each child is unique, and each family has its own source of stress and anxiety. I should not judge anyone.

***

Let’s talk about why I pulled down the video. Basically, it was because everyone told me to, albeit for different reasons. Some said because it was wrong to hit a child, period. Some said because it would hurt my lawsuit. Some said because my lawsuit is a futile and egotistical endeavor.

At first, I did not want to pull it down. I am a very stubborn person who believes he is always right – because why else would I make predictions, and post it to YouTube? I also believed strongly that it was necessary to point out the indifferent cruelty of the Nanny State.

Then something happened this afternoon to tear down my resolve. I took my boys to an outdoor park, and both demanded ice cream. I told them “no,” and my middle son angrily told me that he would get his own ice cream. “Then go get it,” I said to him. What I didn’t expect was that he would go do it. He was safety-conscious, and for two months I never had a problem with him getting lost or running away.

When I noticed that my middle son was no longer within eyesight range I told his brother to go find him. When his brother couldn’t find him I looked all over for him. Eventually, I found him unconscious, with police and paramedics all around him.

This is what I believe had happened. My middle son went looking for ice cream, and began bothering people (he doesn’t speak English, but he knows how to say “ice cream”). They became disturbed at an unaccompanied four-year old, and they called the park staff. They peppered with questions and concern, and he felt under siege. So he fainted. I told the police that my middle son has recurring nightmares of being kidnapped by strangers.

The police insisted that I take him to the hospital, but I did not want to risk the hospital staff separating us. They drove us home, and told us that the Children’s Aid Society would open a file on me.

The entire incident rattled me, and I decided that the universe must be telling me to get the hell out of Canada, and stay out. I wanted to be stubborn, and God intervened. Or my middle son decided to teach me a lesson. Actually, these two are probably one and the same.

Scared out of my wits, I decided to take down the YouTube video, and forget about filing a lawsuit. When I return to China, I will kiss the ground.

***

What is next for me?

First, I’ve forever given up on the idea of moving back to Canada with my family. Because my children and I are Canadian citizens, I thought moving back here would be the path of least resistance. But I’ve seen enough these two months to convince me that Canada is a dying society, and there’s a storm brewing.

Second, I’m thankful for this community. Some of you trust in me, and some of you believe I’m letting emotions blind me. You all believe I have an important role to play, and I apologize that this most recent video caused so much debate and division within our community. This was a mistake on my part, and we will move on. I will continue to learn and grow with everyone, and that’s what will make us strong and united.

Third, I promise I will work harder for everyone. I am excited to announce that the first lecture of my new course (“The Secret History of the World”) will be uploaded next Thursday.

Many of you believe that I should focus my energies on what I do best, and I promise you that this new course will be my best yet.